THE EYES OF LOVE

“Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind.” William Shakespeare

"The loss of our illusions is the only loss from which we never recover." Quida

“Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” Sam Keen

Romantic love is often characterized as being guided by idealizations (or positive illusions), sometimes even by blindness. This augments the partners’ wishes to be with each other over a long period of time. However, romantic relationships should be based upon reality, as this reality is where both of them will live their lives. The high divorce rate might be indicative of the fact that lovers are not completely blind, or at least do not remain blind forever. Does love depend to some extent on a degree of blindness, or can it thrive on accurate knowledge?

There are empirical findings to support each view. Thus, people exaggerate the extent to which their real-life partners resemble archetypal ideals, while on the other hand, people assess with reasonable accuracy attributes such as attractiveness, status, and kindness or trustworthiness. It is probable that romantic relationships involve both accuracy and bias.

The seemingly opposing features are present not only in our evaluation of our beloveds, but also in the way we want them to evaluate us. As Fletcher and Kerr indicate: “Individuals in romantic relationships prefer to have their partners think of them in ways consistent with their self-perceptions, even when such attributions are negative. However, there is also evidence that partners welcome positive mean-level bias, especially in judgments that are central to intimate relationships, such as warmth, attractiveness, and status.” It seems that an explanation of this apparent paradox could indicate in which aspects these evaluations can be both positively biased and accurate.

Idealization

Idealization may be defined as an increase in positive perceptions and a decrease in negative perceptions toward one’s partner (and the relationship). Since idealization is typically not an accurate description of reality, disillusionment, which is a decline in positive perceptions and an increase in negative perceptions toward one’s partner (and the relationship), is often the outcome of idealization. Lovers may idealize their partners, but they are also subject to disillusionment once this idealization is found to be inaccurate.

Idealization is important for the continuation of romantic relationships, as it gives lovers greater motivation to be with their beloveds. Research has found idealization to be one of the strongest (negative) predictors of eventual breakup; that is, more idealization is associated with a lower likelihood of breakups. There is much evidence for the positive impact of idealization. Idealization is positively associated with the presence of love, trust, and similar important features of romantic relationships. It is also positively associated with the stability and length of romantic relationships. Marital idealization seems to be necessary for marital satisfaction—however, the two are not identical .

Idealization is not a matter of blindness, but a more complex cognitive and evaluative process. From a cognitive viewpoint, idealization focuses our attention on the positive aspects of the partner and ignores, or takes less notice of, the negative aspects. Lovers are not blind, but their sight is often blurred (see here).

Idealization mainly consists of an evaluative activity in which the positive aspects are given greater weight, while hardly any weight is given to the negative ones. Moreover, idealization consists of attributing positive events to the partner and negative events to external circumstances; in disillusionment, there is a more objective attribution of both negative and positive events.

Idealization is of value in the initial stages of relationships, when people do not know the other person very well and so they can fill in the gaps with positive assumptions. However, the value of romantic idealization should not be judged merely in light of its positive role at the beginning of the relationship, but also in light of its more problematic function later on in the relationship.

Disillusionment

Idealization does not last forever: it declines the longer that the relationship continues (see here0). In the romantic realm, in which people are supposed to be very close to each other, there is a strong motivation to idealize each other. But in light of such closeness, it becomes increasing more difficult to disregard the facts; hence idealization can easily turn into disillusionment.

Disillusionment has negative consequences for marital relationships. Thus, marital disillusionment is the single most powerful predictor of divorce. Disillusionment is particularly evident during the transition from engagement to marriage. It was also found that couples who had been married for at least 7 years and then divorced frequently exhibit disillusionment—that is, high initial affection followed by a precipitous decline (seehere and here).

The absence of illusions is in fact particularly evident in loveless marriages, which manifest marital disaffection associated with the gradual loss of an emotional attachmentfor the spouse. The beginning of the whole process of disaffection is a feeling of disillusionment that entails the reduction of idealization. Spouses stated that they were disillusioned with their partner; the reality of their marriage and their partner was not living up to the dreams, fantasies, and expectations they had prior to their marriage. Accordingly, spouses felt disappointed and deceived. When describing their feelings of disillusionment, spouses referred to radical changes in the partner's behavior after the wedding; however, for the most part what had actually changed was not the partner but the spouses' perceptions of their partner (see here).

In an interesting study, Niehuis and her colleagues claim that the generation of great passion depends, at least partially, on the idealization of one's partner. They further argue that loss of affection early in marriage results from two different types of courtship experience. In the one type of experience, premarital partners might rush blindly into marriage because their courtships have been very passionate but short. These couples may experience loss of affection early on in the marriage because more information about their partner becomes evident and the quality of their relationship suffers accordingly. In the second type of courtship experience, premarital partners might have been aware of problems in their premarital relationship, and this may have resulted in a very long courtship characterized by very little passion. These couples may have a false hope that their relationship would improve after marriage; the primary reason for loss of affection early in the marriage might be because this hope proves to be false. It seems then that too much or too little idealization has a negative impact upon loving relationships.

Combining accuracy with positive bias

In romantic love, we appreciate both idealization (positive bias) and accurate knowledge. How can we actually combine the two seemingly opposing features?

Lackenbauer and her colleagues have a helpful discussion on this issue. They argue that while people tend to express strong desires for authentic, open, and honest relationships, they do prefer their partners to view them in a charitable, positively biased fashion. This idealized positive attitude expresses their partners’ profound love to them, and the accurate attitude is valuable in order to prevent disillusionment when more information is provided.

The two opposing types of attitudes (positive and accurate) can refer to two complementary kinds of features, for example, absolute versus correlational and global versus specific.

Consider the following example. Mary rates her own traits as follows: beauty 6 (out of 10), kindness 8, and wisdom 7, and Tom rates them: 7, 9, 8. Marry will happily consider Tom as correlational accurate, but as looking at her through rose-colored glasses. Tom may also consider Marry as wonderful (10), but as not punctual (4). In this case he is accurate on the specific trait, and positively biased on the global trait (see here). Mary may perceive Tom’s behavior as expressing unconditional love and he accepts her in spite of her imperfections. Lackenbauer and her colleagues claim that this “positive bias translates into high levels of relationship satisfaction, low levels of ambivalence and relational conflict, and increased optimism for the future of the relationship.”

The optimal combination here is between accuracy concerning issues closely connected to actual states of affairs, and idealization concerning the more general attitude toward the beloved. While the first aspect has a significant cognitive element in it, in the second aspect, the evaluative element (which often cannot be true of false) is of greater weight. The rosy evaluative framework is the best mean for coping with the negative accurate knowledge and taking the best out of the imperfect person. As Lackenbauer and her colleagues summarize their findings: “The real hallmark of a relationship destined for success may be one where partners see each other for who they really are, but through the rosy lens of love.”

 Conclusion

Some kind of idealization is always present in profound romantic love. The idealization, however, should be moderate in its nature and referring more to the general framework of evaluating the person, rather than to specific traits which are easily detected. The positive general beliefs may turn out to be self-fulfilling. Stable and satisfying relationships reflect the intimate partners’ ability to see their imperfect partners in an idealized light. People who are in love for a prolonged period of time can maintain their idealized notion of their beloved for the whole period.

Idealization seems to be an initial ladder necessary for creating a new loving relationship. If the ladder is too low, we may not be able to experience profound love; if it is too high, there is the specter of disillusionment and disappointment once the ladder is removed. We can put on rose-colored glasses when we look at our beloved, but we should be careful that these are merely colored glasses and not ones that distort reality considerably.

It is incorrect to characterize a lover’s perspective as completely deluded or as fully accurate. Lovers’ sight takes place within a rosy framework which enables the lover to cope better with the beloved imperfections which are evident despite the rosy lens.

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, I know that my idealization of you is somewhat far from reality, and therefore I will not experience disillusionment when I get to know you better.

Online dating rules to live by: It’s never personal How to survive digital rejection with your dignity intact

That headline looks ridiculous, right? I mean, what's dating if not extraordinarily, completely, horrendously, desperately personal? How are you able to go concerning checking out the one individual that makes your heart feel whole while not gaining access to least alittle bit personal?

It looks weird, however when it involves searching for love on-line, you wish to recollect that it isn't concerning you -- a minimum of not for awhile. Most folks who've dipped even a toe into the tepid waters of on-line dating have felt at bound times that perhaps we're simply not created for computer-based romance. We're not photogenic enough or we have a tendency to simply cannot write; our icebreakers keep obtaining rejected and our winks are never came.

If you happen to be one in all the thousands who is not having success on the dating sites, you ought to positively contemplate tweaking your profile and having a fan take some footage that swank your smart facet. however once you have done that, you wish to stay in mind that your digital dry spell is perhaps temporary. Anyone who's tried out one in all the numerous dating sites is aware of that luck tends to ebb and flow just like the member pool. however most significantly, when somebody flakes out on you or makes it clear that they do not share your feelings of attraction, you wish to not take it personally.

The truth is, you cannot probably apprehend why that woman is not interested. perhaps you she hates dogs and you have got a boxer. perhaps she's intimidated by your intellectual prowess and skilled success. or even she simply met somebody and needs to check where it goes. notwithstanding what, it ultimately has little or no to try to to with you. And whereas we're all tempted to choose that it's our large forehead and clown-like ears, the additional possible state of affairs is that she had one thing else occurring ... or she simply wasn't your sort anyway.

Secrets To Nurture Your New Relationship

I'll get right to the point regarding how this important part of relationships is workingout for YOU-
Does the way you and the man in your life communicate make you feel loved and appreciated?
Or does it only frustrate you and make you feel sad, alone, and misunderstood?
If you don't know what to say to a man to start open conversations about your relationship and the feelings you're both having without triggering him to pull away... then creating a real relationship where you can truly love and support each other is going to be an impossible struggle.
There's an easier way...
Do you know the SECRETS that will make a man feel excited and inspired to talk, listen, and share his feelings with you... even if he's never been this way before in a relationship?
The reality is, most men don't just open up and communicate the way you want and need them to.
And because of this, lots of women end up trying to compensate by TALKING MORE and doing all the "work" in their relationship.
Of course, this just drains you and encourages the man you're with to WITHDRAW even more.
The things that allow you and a man to listen, hear and understand each other aren't "givens" in your relationship.
Just because you have strong FEELINGS for each other, it doesn't mean you're going to have thekind of COMMUNICATION you need to make your relationship truly work and LAST.
More love and sacrifice on your part is NOTgoing to make the lack of communication and sharing you have in your relationship better.
But you're thoughtful and generous for tryingthis and caring enough to give even more of yourself.
Unfortunately, stretching yourself to the pointof frustration and emotional break-down isn't going to help you - or him.
So then what should you do?
There are a few essential "keys" to building an "open line" of communication in your relationship with a man that will prevent him from closing off, withdrawing, and becoming distant no matter what happens between you.
Do you know how to share YOUR FEELINGS with aman (even the most intense ones that scare you too)so that instead of getting irritated or freaked out by them... he listens in a supportive and understanding way?
I've been able to boil down the complex process of what makes talking and communicationin your relationship work so that the more youshare - the more a man is drawn to you and wantsto give you love and understanding.
At the essence of what makes things work is the "hidden message" behind what you're saying toa man that even you aren't fully aware of - but have everything to do with YOUR FEELINGS and theresponse deep down you really want from him.
Each time you try and share something with a man, and each time he responds to you (or doesn't)... there's a subtle message being communicated under the surface.
And this is going on even if you don't seethis right now, or believe it's there or not.
Each communication has what's called a "bid"to it. And a "bid" is the hidden "subtext" thatis what we REALLY MEAN, or are really asking for.
For example, a man might say to you-
"Honey, I don't feel like talking right now" and do it with a tone of voice that shows he'sfrustrated or annoyed.
This is a "bid."
What a man REALLY MEANS when he says this is-
"I don't know if I have the ENERGY and the desire to get into this with you, because I'm afraid it will turn into some big emotional thing,and I'm not willing to go there with you now."
Of course, most men aren't even fully AWAREthat this is what they're feeling or communicating. It's just their instant EMOTIONAL RESPONSE that isn't entirely conscious and thoughtthrough.
Help the man in your life be the one who cantruly hear you and recognize and care for you andyour feelings... and get HIS NEEDS MET at the same time.
Once you learn how to do this, you will instantly become that amazing woman a man feels relaxed, open and "free" around.
Translation - the woman he wants to STAY WITH.
Close the gap between your feelings and whatthe man in your life "gets" about you.
Don't wait for things to fix themselves... or keep waiting for a man to finally "get it" when he hasn't figured it out after all this time

DANGER.

This is bad for YOU, and for him.
The approach and mindset you have right now is almost guaranteed to make this man see you as too demanding and "needy" to want to be with you, when it's just a few weeks in.
So I hope you haven't started talking about all your feelings of disappointment withhim yet.. because it wouldn't go over wellwith the way you're looking at things.
But here's the worst part of all this...
You already have my eBook and you're stillasking me for the "easy" answer on this, asthough there is some magic pill I can give youthat will make a man act the way you want orexpect him to be.
I'd like to be able to lie and tell you that I could change a man for you.
But I can't... and you know it.
The truth is, I've only got YOU to work with... and you've only got YOUR OWN thinkingand your own behavior that you can use to make a difference.
It's time you started thinking about howyou can take RESPONSIBILITY for creating theRESPONSE you want in a man...
Instead of sitting around frustrated thathe hasn't met YOUR EXPECTATIONS you have forhim. (Especially when he doesn't even knowwhat these are.)
. want you to think about the 2 typesof people I talk about... and the kind of"magic mindset" that's going to help younaturally start creating great situationsin your life.
Then I want you to think about how this relates to the idea of COMMUNICATING with a man in a way that creates ATTRACTION inside of him.
As opposed to communicating with a man in the way that KILLS tinvolved with a man, or start talkingabout your relationship with him.

What If He Doesn't Call?

Ever wonder why the man you're dating and having an amazing time with doesn't call you very often?
Or worse... stops calling altogether?
If you've ever had this happen to you witha man, then you know how FRUSTRATING it canbe when a man just suddenly stops callingfor what seems like no good reason...
And you've spent more time than you'd liketo admit wondering what happened and what YOUmight have done wrong.
Most women in this situation fall into akind of trap that seems to work against them...
Instead of recognizing that the man not calling is an important signal in of itself,they become obsessed with wanting to know what he's thinking and WHY he's acting this way.
But most women also know on an intuitivelevel that coming out and actually asking aman why he's acting this way wouldn't bringabout anything good.
And guess what?
Their intuition is right.
With most men in this situation, if youwant to connect with a man and grow closer, then the answer is NOT to try and get him to talk about his thoughts and feelings.
It's time you learned what it really means if a man isn't calling... and what to do about it to quickly "turn the tables" in your favor so that he's the one calling and asking you out.

WHAT IS A "COOL GRIL"

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the ideaof a "Cool Girl."
You hear most men using the term, and somewomen.
Men everywhere, without ever having talked toeach other, share a common idea about women anduse the term "Cool Girl" universally.
In some places the actual words are different,but the idea is the same.
But what does it actually MEAN?
And is it important that men all have thiscommon belief about women?
Well, after thinking about this particulartopic for a long time, I've come to the conclusionthat it is a VERY important topic.
At this point, I believe that a COOL GIRL isthis "ideal" that men imagine when they're saying"I want my freedom."
They're thinking of the COOL GIRL, and thenthey're imagining themselves with a woman who isthis way.
There are a lot of aspects to this COOL GIRL.
Here are a few that are important:
- Lack of Insecurities
- Easygoing
- Humor
- Unpredictability
- Independent
- Emotionally "balanced"
...and the list goes on.
It's actually not easy to describe a COOL GIRLin a few sentences... but the truth is that a mancan recognize one INSTANTLY.
For more on exactly what a COOL GIRL is, howthey naturally communicate with men in a way thatmakes men think, "This is the kind of woman that Ican see myself committing and staying with..."
Then check out my "Catch Him & Keep Him" eBook.
Not only does it describe how men think when itcomes to dating and why they commit to and stay inrelationships with women... but it shows you howto start interacting with men and create a deepergut-level emotional attraction with a manIMMEDIATELY.

WHAT MAKES A MAN FEEL COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY WITH A WOMAN

WHAT MAKES A MAN FEEL COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY WITH AWOMAN
You might not see this right now, but for mostmen, there's nothing more important than knowingthat he makes a woman feel great when she's withhim.
Seriously.
Think "ego."
If you think this truth about men through,you'll start to have a shift in perspective andsee something you've probably never seen before.
When a woman comes to a man and wants to talkabout something she thinks is wrong in theirrelationship, oftentimes a man gets upset notbecause he doesn't want to listen to the woman ortalk...
But because it's difficult for him to come toterms with the idea that the woman could beunhappy with him.
A man thinks, "It makes me feel like less of aman since I don't make her happy. If she'sunhappy, then somewhere inside I must not be goodenough."
Imagine if a man was constantly expressing hisfeelings about your relationship to you thatseemed disappointed and frustrated.
How would it make you feel?
Sure, as a woman you might think to yourselfthat you'd talk to him about it and try and makethings better...
But really you'd start to have one of 2 thingscome into your mind either consciously orsubconsciously:
1. Something really is wrong with YOU and the wayyou are in the relationship, and he's trying totell you...
2. Something is wrong with HIM and how HE thinksand feels that has nothing to do with you, andit's his own "bad thinking" about HIMSELF that'smaking him obsessively unhappy...
Either way, a whole lot MORE DISTANCE iscreated between you two.
Now, lots of women draw the conclusion thatthis means you should try and pretend things areok when they're not.
That when you're not having the physical andemotional connection with a man you know ispossible, that you can't communicate how you feelwith a man.
WRONG.
My point: If you want to learn how to connectwith a man on a deeper level, then what you sayisn't the most IMPORTANT thing.
It's HOW and WHEN you say it.
I'll tell you something -
Learning the secrets of communicating with aman and creating a deep level of Physical and"Emotional Attraction" can be very rewarding.
A lot of women know EXACTLY what it's like tobe in a relationship with a man who has NOINTENTION of committing to something more serious.
In other words, he's not feeling that powerfulgut-level ATTRACTION for you that makes all thefear and excuses for NOT being with you andbuilding a great life and partnership go awaywithout RESISTANCE.
Do you know how to make a man FEEL this waywhen he's with you.
Or are you still trying to "CONVINCE" him withwords and your own knowledge and "logic" that aclose, loving, lasting relationship with him willmake him and you happy together?
Well, let me tell you...
Just like all the other things that a man"says" that he wants and doesn't want with awoman... that most women don't ever "get", beingthe woman a man is NATURALLY ATTRACTED to on adeep level is one of the BIG ONES.
This kind of attraction is THE thing that willmake a man who "says" he doesn't want a seriousrelationship beg a woman for a real commitment anda future together.
If you understand the secrets of how attractionworks for a man, you will notice that men willstart to behave VERY differently around you.